Reflections on Individuality

     Lately I have been a little depressed, I quit my job due to the inability to perform my duties because of lack of backup from my supervisors. I have had a lot of opportunities to reflect on my own personality and, while I understand the person that I am, I can't, for the life of me tell whether I like it or not. I am, for the most part a neutral person, neither good nor bad, and that is what I thought human beings are like. I have come to the realization that I do not know how to interact with people and this leads to several awkward discussions/moments. I try to plan every single interaction I have during the day, most of the time at a moment's notice. I have come to understand that most people do not try to predict human interactions and go with the flow. This causes a serious problem in my social interactions, as sometimes I do not act as quickly as I think, and my movements do not develop the way I have planned, causing some undue awkwardness. 

     

     This is giving me some issues in my life as, after nearly 30 years on this planet, I have not once come to think that most people don't act this way. This is somewhat telling of the way I see the world. I am an outsider trying to fit in. My poor attempts to understand the human mind have come to a rather unnerving conclusion that it is easily manipulated, and, while I do not indulge in the practice of mental manipulation, it scares me that people can be so susceptible to suggestions. Entire concepts can be rearranged in order to benefit one person or the next, though the earlier they are planted, the harder those very concepts are to break through, especially when reinforced by a society which does not care about the well being of its denizens, but rather in their complete obedience and the adherence to several semi religious dogmas. 

     Life, as I see it in others, is meant to be enjoyed, not feared or simply lived through. This is hard for me, as the things I enjoy are severely reprimanded by society, legal, but heavily frowned upon, to the point of social exile for those participating in such behaviors. In the past year, I have achieved my goal of leading my life in such a way that my very existence is a sin, though it came at great social cost, the impact of which I had not fully understood in my life. I had not foreseen the repercussions it would have on those few who are close to me, and how they would be affected. I had indeed been blind to the casualties of my own social sacrifice. I can easily live with being ostracized, that is not the problem to me, but my loved ones are suffering for decisions they have not made. Hell, they are suffering for decisions I haven't made about who or what I am. 

     So in retrospect, I am what I am, and to those who are offended by it, you don't have to tolerate me, you can just ignore me and act like we never interacted, no pain will come to me in that, as I value honesty above all else. If you are so small minded that my existence and my way of thinking offends you, nobody's forcing you to remain sociable with me. To those who are hurt by others' behaviors: don't let them affect you, those who are quick to offense and project their own fears on others do not need to be in your life, they do not deserve the gems that you have to offer. We all have something to bring to the table in the marketplace of ideas, some ideas and concepts, though hard to understand are easier to deal with than others, and some have more merit than others, but everybody has a right to participate. I am seemingly quick to dismiss ideas that I disagree with, though I can't say that I have completely dismissed any without careful consideration, I just expect the same respect from other members of society.